Dear Lucca,
Your Dad is feeling pretty emotional today. I was in Colorado this week and was looking forward to coming home and spending the weekend with you last night. Unfortunately, we got some bad news yesterday, so I had to fly to Florida to meet your Mom and Nana. You are staying with Charley and Leslie until we get home. I miss you son.
On my flight to Denver, I read a wonderful book, first written in 1937. The book stressed the importance of relationships in business and at home. One particular chapter in the book made me think of you (so much so that I actually began to cry on the plane). It taught me an important lesson that I will never forget. I have read it over several times since then and will likely read it several hundred more.
I promise to try a little harder each day but ask that you realize your Dad is not perfect. I will make mistakes from time to time, but I do love you. I will always love you. And want you to someday understand the important role you have played in helping me become the type of man I have always wanted to be.
You will be three years old in May and I already expect the world from you. I hope you will learn to understand it is only because I love you more than anything else in this world. And I desperately want you to learn to appreciate all the things I have learned these past forty years.
The short story, Father Forgets, is pasted below. Some day, you will understand how powerful these words are. Until then, I will do my best to keep them in mind.
- Your Dad
Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.
There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.
At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, “Goodbye, Daddy!” and I frowned, and said in reply,
“Hold your shoulders back!”
Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive, and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!
Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. “What is it you want?” I snapped. You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither.
And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs. Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me?
The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding—this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.
And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!
It is feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: “He is nothing but a boy—a little boy!”
I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.
—W. Livingston Larned